Touched

“He touched me and I liked it”
Echoes through my soul
Words that I just can’t forget
Truth I can’t control
I was 5; I didn’t know
Liking it was bad
Though I would have felt the same
Even if I had
I didn’t choose to like it
The warmth of his soft touch
My body just responded
To what I thought was love
I saw him as my white knight
He could do no wrong
The extra care he showed me
I didn’t see as harm
The gentleness of his hand
Played hard with my mind
Confusing me later on
As truth, I tried to find
If it didn’t really hurt
Does it really count?
Is it labeled “sex abuse”
Without any doubt?
Or is it just a day when
Affection is too strong?
Maybe inappropriate
But nowhere near to wrong
And so my mind spins away
Trying to make sense
Of something that just doesn’t,
Thoughts that makes me wince
“It’s okay to have been touched,
It was no big deal;
Even though it messed me up
So much, it’s hard to heal”
That thought is there inside me
Buried deep within
Along with those emotions
That say it was a sin
“I was wrong to like his touch”
Though I was young back then
I held that thought for all my life
With that deep-seated spin
Now I’m slowly learning how
That thought is not true
Even if there was no pain
It still counts as abuse
And it was not wrong for me
To like his tender touch
But it was wrong for him
To harm me so much
It is said to know the truth
Is to be set free
I hope finally seeing straight
Will do that for me