This, Too, Shall...?

My heart is breaking open
Fracturing my peace
In this darkness I am hoping
For some semblance of relief
Torn apart, out of my depth
I’m barely hanging on
My weary soul needs rest
Before all my strength is gone
Longing to be in control
I close my eyes and breathe
I’m helpless fighting off the hold
These thoughts still have on me
Shame and fear intertwine
Nothing makes them less
These frustrating beliefs of mine
Put my faith to the test
How can I say I trust my Lord
But want to hurt myself
Waves of guilt drown me whole
Until I avoid help
But I’m so tired of this game
I’ve said it all before
I’m angry that things stay the same
And there is always more
I beg and plead for this to pass
I want to receive healing
But what I’ve learned is this might last –
Perpetually enduring
I may never have the power
To oust these darkest thoughts
Or even for a moment blur
The pain with which I’m fraught
I have to hope in Someone
Who knows my suffering
Whose love can’t be undone
By questions that I bring
I don’t know if I’ll ever live
A quiet, doubt-free life
But peace and answers that God gives
Are found in Jesus Christ
So I must turn to Him
With my broken heart
And trust just as He’s always been
He will be my fresh start