Missing Peace

I sit here trying to find some peace
Remind myself to breathe
Anxiety floods over me
I beg it just to leave
Life is different than it was
I used to be so proud
Thought I had the upper hand
Could kick my worries out
Now they hit relentlessly
Control is just a dream
The waves of panic that I face
Are endless and extreme
As they move throughout my body
I feel like I must burst
Feeling trapped is bad enough
But drowning is the worst
I practice waterboarding now
Without meaning to
All my fears wash over me
Disrupting what is true
I can’t breathe, can’t breathe at all
I never will again
This pounding deep inside my head
Is never going to end
Until the day I do explode
And shatter my whole heart
Maybe then I’ll find some rest
Broken up in parts
For now I simply stumble on
My hurt and terror real
Searching for some calm inside
And peace that I can feel